I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
