do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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