who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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