Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
