I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
