when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm really busy with my period
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