SEEEEXXX PLEASE
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
