Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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