Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
