it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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