using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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