Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
