i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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