are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize