I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
