I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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