I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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