Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Redeem this text for a blowjob
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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