My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
