I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize