I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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