the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
