A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
BRING THE BAGELS
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
