Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
