I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
