Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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