two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
