i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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