i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Randomize
