That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Randomize