i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
