Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
