Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
