3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Life is so much better after having sex.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
