i barfeds in our rink
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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