Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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