How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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