i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Bring me that man meat
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
