My liver just broke up with me...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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