she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
