New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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