I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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