You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
