Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
