my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
