you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The best revenge is premature balding
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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