Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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