i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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