i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We are all done wearing pants today
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
