I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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