the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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