Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Randomize
