I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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