God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
