In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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