Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
