he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just found a bag of teeth...
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
