If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
