tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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