I'm eating all of the evidence.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize