she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
