You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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