i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
