i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
