I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
