I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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