I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
