and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
